Rules of engagement

When you have a relationship with someone you have to say no sometimes. But that isn’t always easy. What if it’s a loved one, a supervisor or a close friend? What if they react badly? This can produce anxiety, so we may choose to “give in” and go along with whatever it is the other person is wanting. But what does that do to us?

According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology (https://dictionary.apa.org) a boundary is:

• a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity

As psychotherapist Rich Oswald describes (https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/) :

Anxiety and stress develop when you take responsibility for others' emotions, behaviors and thoughts.

You can't control what others think, feel or do, and you are solely responsible for what you think, feel and do. Identifying and stating the boundaries in relationships that support this law clarifies where your responsibilities and authority stop, and the other person's responsibilities start.

Focus on practicing behaviors that support your positive self-worth. Determine healthy boundaries that you can clearly define.

What relationships are bringing me stress and anxiety?

• Am I attempting to control someone's emotions, thoughts or behavior?

• Do I feel mistreated or taken advantage of?

• Does the value I feel from others change based on how well I fulfill their requests or obligations?

• Do I need to adjust my responsibilities to align with the law of relationships?

Have an action plan for how you will respond in a healthy way to something that violates your boundaries. Your action plan may include practicing saying no in a firm, yet kind, way or choosing not to talk to someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.

Initially, healthier boundaries require much effort to establish and maintain. Over time, you'll find they become more habitual and require less effort.